if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
