Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
