We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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