What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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