In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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