I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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