This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
