I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
