You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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