Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He keeps bees of course he's weird
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
