i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
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I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
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I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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