She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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