I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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