Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
