really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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