i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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