Don't you send me to vm
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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