You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
