At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
