We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
