I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I love you. Go after that dick
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
