he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
