Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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