worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
