dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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