i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
