I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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