god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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