my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
