if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
