Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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