Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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