I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
