can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
