I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
