I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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