my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
