I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
