I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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