omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
