Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
