I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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