just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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