you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
