if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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