I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I pour the whiskey from now on
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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