I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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