you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
