I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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