I look better un-naked...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
