I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I cut my penus on the lid.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
