thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
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