I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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