I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
