the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
