got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
