Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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