You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
