Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
